Wake up…..wake up…..it’s over now.….. I hear. I try to open my eyes, but I can’t focus, everything is moving, spinning, I see out of focus. The nurse tries to calm me down…..it’s over, you’re done, the operation went well. Relax.…. Dark.
I try to open my eyes again. I don’t know how much time has passed since then. I alternate between sleep and wakefulness where I am very confused. There is a clock on the wall opposite my bed. The first time I remember is around midnight. I feel intense pain. Tears are streaming down my face uncontrollably. I feel like I’m lying on rocks. Until then… I will mentally remember the worst swear words I know. I stick to myself and try to get used to what I feel. I know that these feelings will accompany me day and night for some time now. My head feels like stones have been thrown at it. Weight, pressure, stabbing, stabbing, as if lying under a huge weight. In addition to the pain in the inner part of the head, I also feel intense pain in the outer part, the entire right half of the face. Eye, ear, gums and teeth, face. It’s the same feeling as when you have severe inflammation of the upper and lower eights. Which, in addition, they just ripped out in inflammation. I have both ears stuck. My head whistles, hums, rustles. And the overall pain is excruciating.
I mobilize all my forces again and try to find out the damage caused. I see and hear. It is well. I can also speak, but I can’t open my mouth because of the swelling. So I’m mumbling, but that’s the least of it, the swelling will go away in time. Speech is important. I keep checking the body. I try to bend my arms and legs. I find out I have a catheter. It’s uncomfortable, but the legs move, and so do the arms. I wouldn’t dare to guess now whether my legs will carry me and my hands will be able to hold anything, but they don’t look paralyzed. Great. Now try turning around to see if the rest of your body listens. Even that will succeed, it is very difficult, but the body moves. I fall asleep again, the control exercise has exhausted me.
I wake up again around 4 am and feel like throwing up. Anyone who has experienced the feeling of nausea in a lying position knows how difficult it is. Loss of dignity, running through my mind. I, who suffer so much from cleanliness, fragrance and tidiness. Now I’m lying here naked, throwing up in bed, I have a catheter in, I don’t have the strength to move. I believe that this condition will only be temporary and that others in the ICU are in the same situation. I am reassured that they must be going through the same thing and also humbly accept a condition that is very frustrating for a person. We’re all lying there like zombies, kind of alive/dead.
I’ll try my memory now. I’m trying to remember my registration number, date of birth, place of residence, children’s names. My phone number, names of family members, where I am and what I’m up to. Everything looks good so far. OK great. A patient with a bandaged head lying next to me, also after the procedure, is currently answering the nurse’s questions. Do you know where you are? In the chicken coop. And what are you doing there? I collect eggs. And do you know what month it is now? Yes, October…….
My surgeon comes to see me. Rest, expect some pain for a while, but don’t worry, everything turned out well.
Thank you.
You don’t know how strong you are until you find yourself in a situation where being strong is all you have left.
